Writer’s Name: Laura McCurdy
Reader’s Name: Kendle McCullough
1. Is the introductory paragraph engaging? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
The introduction caught my attention, but instead of going right into what happened maybe start with summertime and hanging out with friends, and leading into the tragedy as a thesis sentence, because that is what the reader is going to focus on.
2. Is the point or purpose of the description clear? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s reason for writing this descriptive essay? If the thesis is explicitly stated, copy and paste it below…if the thesis is inferred, type what you believe to be the writer’s thesis below:
Thesis: Summertime and hanging with friends is something to always look forward to, but when losing a friend and witnessing the scene summer will never be the same.
3. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding specific details? What else would you like to know?
a. Where would you like the writer add more visual detail?
The writer did a good job explaining detail and what sand, water, cans lying around, and a volleyball net. Maybe explain the hot weather, if the water was rough that day and if the sun was beaming.
b. Where would you like the writer add more sound detail?
At the end of the story in the conclusion you mentioned watching the barge go by, maybe describe the sound of the barge and if there were other boats around or if it was quiet moment, just go more in debt with it.
c. Where would you like the writer add more smell detail?
You could describe the hot day, and maybe the smell of summertime when explaining what you were doing that day, boating mention it was a nice hot day not a cloud in the sky, but being on the river and the smell of summertime and suntan lotion, or mention a fishy smell from the river.
d. Where would you like the writer add more taste detail?
Also describing it being so hot on a summer day you could add in cold drinks and quenching your thirst.
e. Where would you like the writer add more feel or touch details?
When describing tubing and couldn’t hold on anymore, good detail but maybe say our wet slippery hands couldn’t hold on the handles our hands felt numb, also maybe at the end when you were talking about the sand, you could mention the warm sand sitting under us digging our feet into it while watching the barge pass by.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the description or observation the writer is providing? Why/why not? Indicate the paragraph(s) that don’t seem to fit the focus of the essay below:
The paragraphs all went together when describing your story.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Do the main ideas seem logically organized (using chronological or least-to-most-important or spatial order, for example)? Why/why not? Note the paragraph(s) that seems out of order below:
Maybe leave out the part Brandon kept his jet ski. I believe it’s not something to focus on within the reading. That the main story is clear and focus on the main tragedy.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Let the writer know which paragraphs need transitions. What could the writer do to make the connection between the main ideas expressed in the individual paragraphs and the thesis clearer?
I believe making a main thesis will be easy since the paragraphs are well transitioned. I believe that the paragraphs expressed how the writer was feeling and what happened that day of the tragedy. Maybe explain how you felt and what you thought the moment you found out, like it wasn’t real to you or you dropped to your knees. Just let the reader know the instant feeling you had, because reading it I couldn’t imagine…
7. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I liked how you talked about how every Sunday you went to church, but you took off and decided to go on the river. I thought that was good to put in it gave the reader the idea you don’t go on the river much and was expecting a great day with friends.
I think improving the introduction have a couple statements about summer fun and friends, then lead into what the main paper is going to be about. Other than that I believe it was good and has all main points and paragraphs flow.
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