Writer’s Name: B. Salter
Reader’s Name: Kendle McCullough
1. Is the introductory paragraph engaging? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
Yes, he explains that the main topic is something to do with honey suckles.
2. Is the point or purpose of the description clear? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s reason for writing this descriptive essay? If the thesis is explicitly stated, copy and paste it below…if the thesis is inferred, type what you believe to be the writer’s thesis below:
Thesis: I have only eaten honey suckle once in my lifetime, and it was definitely the last.
2. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding specific details? What else would you like to know?
I believe the writer has great detail and explains what is going on, and explains the hot day that it is. Keeps the detail throughout the reading.
a. Where would you like the writer add more visual detail?
When explaining the honey suckles maybe explain how many plants there were what was around the plants woods, or just the playground.
b. Where would you like the writer add more sound detail?
When you mom took you to the grocery store, and you were starving maybe explain your stomach was growling or maybe sound in that way.
c. Where would you like the writer add more smell detail?
You did a good job explaining the smells, and with the green vomit, and the honey suckles.
d. Where would you like the writer add more taste detail?
Explaining the taste of the honey suckle was good, maybe explain more taste to what the sweetness taste compared to, sweet like syrup, sugar, in that direction.
e. Where would you like the writer add more feel or touch details?
Explaining the flower part of the honey suckle and give a vivid detail.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the description or observation the writer is providing? Why/why not? Indicate the paragraph(s) that don’t seem to fit the focus of the essay below:
All the paragraphs don’t go with the thesis, but the writer worked it into the essay. For example explaining going to dinner with your uncle, and mentioning going to the grocery store and getting Chinese. Maybe just mention running errands with you mom and rembering starving and she got me Chinese the went to the park and realized it was a bad idea..then lead into the honey suckles. I believe leaving out the grocery store part, will help focus more on the honey suckle part of the reading.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Do the main ideas seem logically organized (using chronological or least-to-most-important or spatial order, for example)? Why/why not? Note the paragraph(s) that seems out of order below:
I believe working up to the main point of the story the paragraphs go together. He introduces his uncle, and explains why he’s at the park and how he got introduced to eating a honey suckle. I don’t think anything is out of order.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Let the writer know which paragraphs need transitions. What could the writer do to make the connection between the main ideas expressed in the individual paragraphs and the thesis clearer?
When reading it, maybe mention at the beginning when explaining your uncle talk about how he doesn’t have any kids so it should be a good experience for him and letting me sleep over, instead at the end of the story after you vomited and explaining he doesn’t have kids, because then it gives the reader the idea and lets us think uh oh since he got sick and his uncle doesn’t deal much with kids we see and get the idea that he might be upset.
7. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
Overall is it is a well written essay. I believe that you used great description that gave us ideas that we can vision in our heads. The part that I would work on is maybe talking more about your uncle and what kind of guy and work he does so we get a better idea of him and name some of his hobbies. Also maybe revise going to the grocery with you mom and getting Chinese then going to the park, keep that part simple and explain killing time waiting on your uncle so you and your mom ran errands and ended up at the park for a bit. I believe the paper gets the point across and keeps us wondering what the final outcome of the paper is going to be.
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